I have a friend who is constantly saying that life is about compromise. I’ve never felt that “compromise” was the right term, because it implies that we all end up somewhere in the middle. Which, of course, we don’t. There would be no gold medal Olympic athletes (I use this particular example because the winter games start in just a couple of days) if we all ended up in just some okay “middle” ground.
On the other hand, I believe very strongly that life is very much about trade-offs. Assuming that you have enough natural talent in a sport, there’s no reason you can’t pursue Olympic greatness. There will, however, be trade-offs and costs involved in that decision. What you can’t be is a gold medal Olympic athlete and–simultaneously— an ideally well-rounded Renaissance person, fluent in several languages, art, philosophy, and science, with a 4.0 grade point average and a diverse and vibrant social life. There are only so many hours in the day, and only so much energy and “will” (as an Army officer friend of mine says) in the human body, and if you’re going to devote the time and energy required to be the best in the world at any particular sport, that means less of those things are left for anything else.
Yes, you can get better, at least to some degree, at your time management skills. But that’s nudging the needle, not changing the equation. And all the self-help books that tell you different are selling something. Because the law of trade-offs permeates not only issues of time and energy management, but all kinds of goals, choices, or approaches to life.
Take, for example, two recent articles I came across. One, in the January 19th issue of the New York Times Magazine, was called “Breathing in vs. Spacing Out.”
The article began by listing the benefits of “mindfulness” training and practice; how researchers have found that even 12 minutes of meditation, or “mindful” focusing practice, a day helped Marine soldiers keep their attention and working memory stable, even under stress. It did the same for undergraduate students, improving their performance on graduate school entrance exams. Indeed, another research team did MRI scans on subjects who practiced meditative mindfulness on a regular basis and found that it enhanced the efficiency and integrity of a region of the brain that plays a significant role in rational decision-making and effortful problem-solving. The practice worked, the article’s author concluded, because by emphasizing a focus on the here and now, it trained the mind to stay on task and avoid distraction.
All good, right? We all should sign up!
Well … if what we want is to stay on task and avoid distraction, then yes. But a couple of paragraphs later, the author notes that this mindfulness can also have “unwanted side effects.” It turns out that “raising roadblocks to the mind’s peregrinations [e.g. wandering] could, after all, prevent the very sort of mental vacations that lead to epiphanies.”
The author goes on to note that another researcher who looked at both writers and physicists, found that a third of the creative ideas they had came when their minds were wandering; ideas the subjects tended to describe as real “aha” moments. What’s more, scoring high on mindfulness apparently tends to make us do worse at “implicit learning”–learning that requires our bodies to learn in intuitive, non-conscious ways, like when we learn how to ride a bike or “feel” a good landing in an airplane.
In other words, there is a trade-off between mindful focus and creative or intuitive breakthroughs. Not a shocking idea, really. A narrow focus is not compatible–at least not in the same space and time–with a broader, sponge-like openness, any more than trying to become a Gold-Medal Olympic champion is compatible with the simultaneous pursuit of 7 different competing interests and a full-throttle social life.
The second article–or, should I say, set of articles, seeing as numerous different articles appeared on this subject in the space of just one week–related to a new book on the factors that drive success, co-written by Amy Chua, author of the infamous “Tiger Mother” book on Chinese parenting. The new book, co-written with her law professor/researcher husband Jed Rubenfeld, posits that three particular traits, when possessed in combination, lead to achievement and success. Those traits are: 1) a sense of superiority, in that one assumes one is expected to achieve, or is capable of achieving, great things; 2) a sense of insecurity, meaning that person also assumes it is entirely possible they will fail at that destiny and end up on a Lexington Avenue subway grate if they’re not careful. (It also means feeling as if one has to to prove oneself worthy, or successful); and 3) strong impulse control.
Chua’s book is already drawing fire for using those traits to explain why certain ethnic or immigrant groups seem to out-perform and out-achieve others. But the basic tenets of the argument aren’t revolutionary. And they also apply to individuals, regardless of ethnic or group association.
It seems fairly obvious to me that in order to “succeed” or “achieve” in the most conventional sense of external academic, professional and financial markers, one has to first believe one can achieve great things–but not take that success for granted. I’d also argue that most of the people going after those external success markers want or need that kind of success enough to sacrifice other things for it. Most $200,000 – $400,000-a-year jobs are time intensive and high stress, and don’t allow you huge amounts of free time, for example. And as a friend of mine with multiple impressive post-graduate degrees pointed out to me once, most of the high-profile Ivy League/industry leading professor-types don’t have much of a family life.
What’s more, in almost all cases, any kind of success requires at least a certain amount of discipline. 90% perspiration, and only 10% inspiration, as the saying goes. Even brilliant, visionary entrepreneurs who are motivated by a real sense of changing the world have to work their tails off to translate their vision into a real-life, sustainable enterprises. You can’t party all day and accomplish much in terms of tangible impact on the world.
So I don’t doubt that the majority of people who are high achievers have some ideal combination of confidence, insecurity/need, and discipline. The point is … there is a trade-off involved in that, too. Even Chua and her husband acknowledge, in their own words, that while those traits can make a person a high achiever, “impulse control can undercut the ability to experience beauty, tranquility, and spontaneous joy…” and insecure people “feel like they’re never good enough.”
Success, in other words, is not synonymous with happiness, or even feeling joy at being alive. In fact, a pursuit of conventional success or achievement might even get in the way of those things.
Not that I’m advocating boundless, narcissistic pursuit of nothing but living in the moment and focusing solely on sensual pleasures and immediate, selfish rewards. I believe in contributing something of value to the world, in working hard to accomplish a life that has meaning, and in taking care of others besides yourself.
But I think that much of our unhappiness stems from unrealistic expectations of what’s possible, or guilt over what we think ought to be doing–which many of us assume is: everything, wonderfully, all at the same time. It’s a crazy set of expectations. One of the really important things I’ve learned along the way is that the key to being a happy adult in the world involves figuring our what your highest values and priorities are, making choices consistent with those values and priorities, and then being at peace with the trade-offs those choices require.
It’s not rocket science. Being focused means being more productive on some tasks but being less open to intuitive, creative breakthroughs. If you want to be a high achiever, you are going to have to concentrate more on accomplishing what’s required for that next step or goal instead of just enjoying the joy and beauty of where you are. If you want to be a decent parent, your career, your relationships, or your time for yourself (or all of those things) are most likely going to take a hit. If you want to pursue a dream, you are most likely going to have to give up some job security. If you want to be a Gold Medal Olympic athlete, you are going to have to sacrifice some other things in your life.
Nobody can be a 10 in all areas of their life, all at the same time. Each of us has a limited amount of time, energy, and “will” to allocate in the course of our days and lives. Nobody has it all. Nobody. (More about this in the weeks and months to come). And the quicker we accept that, and understand that we all have to make choices, with attendant trade-offs, the more equipped we will be to be at peace with our choices, our paths, and our lives.
Success may not be synonymous with happiness or joy. But being at peace with our choices is an important step in finding our own definition of success, and being happy with whatever we decide that is.
