In the spirit of being proactive and not waiting for the big bag of money to fall in my lap, I am once again seeking freelance work around town. I am looking primarily for jobs in commercial production and post-production, since that’s where I’ve built up my contacts in the past 8 years. Even if there are times that my heart isn’t always in it—you know, at those moments when the crisis at hand is where to seat a crew of 50 for a catered lunch in midtown Manhattan, or how we’re going to re-do weeks’ worth of 3D rendering because of an extremely minor and mundane change to the product design of a plastic bag—I believe that I am a really good producer.
I am a good producer for many of the reasons that I think I am also a good director. My head is always in the game. I consider the macro- and the micro-aspects of the project all at once. I have a good memory for and attention to details. I am familiar and comfortable with all stages of production, from development to delivery. I am sensitive to other individuals working with me, and am getting better at managing a team all the time. I can multitask. I don’t give up when things get hard or hours get long (like, unexpectedly-working-all-of-Labor-Day-weekend-without-sleeping kinds of long). I hate to do anything halfway, and I hate to let anyone down.
So, you can imagine my disappointment when I realized that I totally blew it at a job interview last week. It’s been a slow burn, but almost a week has passed now without hearing a word from them in response to my upbeat follow-up email, and reality is starting to set in.
A very reputable company in town had put the word out that they are looking to bring in new freelance producers. Someone I worked for a lot this past year recommended me to the executive producer. She asked me to send a resume, and invited me in for an interview. This exchange took place on a Tuesday. The interview was scheduled for Friday.
A side note about freelancing: I can’t remember the last time I had a job interview. Or got a job from submitting a resume. The way the production world usually staffs up in my experience has been through who you know, word of mouth, people trusting others’ recommendations, or else companies being in such a pickle to find support immediately that they make leaps of faith, try people out, and reassess down the line as needed.
Regardless, I’ve admired this company’s work for years and was excited to learn more about them. Of course, I came down with the worst cold I’ve had in three years last week, and I was barely starting to recover by the time Friday rolled around. But I put on my big girl pants, took a handful of Dayquil and some coffee, and decided to give it my best shot.
So I get there. Three minutes late—ugh. Darn G train. Very impressive turn out—it’s me and the four top producers of the company at a conference table. It seemed like it was rare for all of them to get together like this, and they were all freshly caffeinated and happy to see each other. I could barely get a word in edgewise. Which didn’t prevent them from firing off questions—I just didn’t get much time to answer them before getting a new one thrown at me. The usual stuff about what kind of roles I held at each company I’ve worked at, the acknowledgment of mutual friends and colleagues, challenges I’ve experienced on jobs in the past and how I overcame them, the joys of working with Kanye West, etc. My brain was dulled and spinning from the cold medicine. But I feel like I did a pretty good job answering most of their questions. Except for a couple that I’ve been wrestling with ever since they came up.
“What are you seeking at this time? Are you interested in a full-time position?”
“Oh no. No-n-n-n-n-n-no. Nothing full time. Definitely just seeking freelance work right now.”
“So, I see on your resume that you direct also. Is that your real ambition? Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
“Well, doesn’t everybody really want to direct? Heh, heh.”
[crickets]
“No, not really.” [Heads shake all around the table of producers.]
“Ahem. Right. I mean, well, yes, I studied film with the intention of directing and came to New York to pursue a creative career. But, I’ve found gainful employment more regularly on the production side of things, and after a number of years, I have built up a great deal of experience.”
I’m afraid that I expressed to this team of esteemed producers that I would be about as personally invested in a job producing for their company as I would be in a job at a coffee shop, but producing happens to pay better. It beats digging ditches, as they say. Not exactly what they were looking for, I’m sure.
They make some good points, whether they intended to or not. Where do I see myself in 5 years, really? And how do I expect to get there? Why am I so resistant to the idea of a full-time, steady job in my field of interest? Why should I waste my or anyone else’s time going further down a path that I don’t feel is right, and getting better at developing a skillset that I don’t necessarily value?
Despite all of these conflicting feelings, I hold out hope that they’ll call and ask me to work for them soon. I do think I could learn a lot from working there, and there are some really terrific people in that office. But maybe it’s not the end of the world if it doesn’t work out. Something worth thinking about, anyway.
Emily Branham is a filmmaker living in Brooklyn, New York.
