In my last post, about the lessons and accomplishments of Maya Angelou’s life, I said she was “a reminder of the power of simply being yourself.” And while flipping through some back issues of the New York Times this past weekend (part of why I still get a print paper– it’s easier to browse issues you didn’t get to read in real-time), I came across some interesting scientific support for that idea.
The article was titled, “So You’re Not Desirable,” and it discussed the results of a study by University of Texas researchers published in the May 2014 issue of Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. The study looked at what people found most appealing in a potential partner or mate. As might be expected, the study confirmed that when it came to first impressions, people had the same basic ideals in terms of what constituted qualities like physical attractiveness, charisma and potential for success, and rated the same types of individuals high or low in terms of how appealing they seemed as a potential mate. (The study called this “high mate value,” versus “low mate value.”)
However, the researchers also looked at how people rated potential mates on those same qualities (physical attractiveness, vitality, warmth, potential for success, and “even the ability to provide a satisfying romantic relationship”) over time, as people in the study got to know each other. And after three months, the “uniqueness” of any given person trumped those initial “consensus” evaluations in all categories. In other words, the people who were more conventionally attractive physically–those most likely to appear in fashion ads or movies–were rated more appealing initially. But over time, the people who were considered the most attractive were the ones who stood out as unique, authentic individuals. And those results were backed up by a second study that asked 350 heterosexual individuals to evaluate people in their well-known circle of friends and lovers for those same “appealing” characteristics.
We are loved, in other words, not for how close to the ideal we hit, but for those unique imperfections and traits that nobody else in the world has; those things that set us apart from the cookie-cutter, movie-image, Madison-Avenue ideal.
While this is encouraging news for anyone who doesn’t fit the Madison-Avenue ideal, the significance of these results goes far beyond love life encouragement.
For all the pressure we all face to do things to impress other people–from our physical appearance, to our job choices, the houses and the “stuff” we accumulate … the things that make us not only happiest, but also strongest, most powerful, and most able to impact the world in positive ways … stem from the same source as our long-term “mate value.”
There will always be someone more talented, more intelligent, more wealthy, and more classically good looking than any of us. But, as the University of Texas study underscored, there is nobody else in the entire world who can replicate our unique, authentic inner self, or voice. And that voice is breathtakingly powerful, if we learn how to not only listen and be guided by it, but also bring it forth into our lives and the world.
I talk a lot about the importance and power of passion on this site. After all, not only is a passion-driven path one that makes each day joyful and meaningful, it’s also the one on which we will find our best strength and endurance, when times get hard. (And in any adventurous endeavor, one of the givens is that there will be times that are hard.)
But where does passion come from? That’s a complex question, whose answer would take far more space than a mere post allows. But the spark that ignites passion almost always comes from stumbling into something, or having an experience, that resonates particularly with your authentic inner voice and self. So in order to know the difference between passing lust and passion; to have the confidence that the resonance you’re feeling and hearing comes from your true, authentic voice (which is to say, from your deepest sense of self, values, dreams and desires), it follows that you have to first be well acquainted with what that voice sounds like.
Easy to say, hard to do, of course. Why? First of all, because getting acquainted with that voice requires disconnecting from all the distractions available in the world long enough to hear its whisper in the silence. And second, because it also requires finding the courage to face the truth of what lies inside each of us–the good, the bad, and the scary. So finding one’s voice can be a heck of an adventure, in and of itself. But finding it is inexorably linked with finding a path and/or activities, job, partners, and lifestyle that offer passion, as well as long-term happiness and fulfillment. (Sometimes, we stumble on our voice in reverse, when an encounter with an activity, job, or adventure sparks such a flame of passion that we conclude it must be showing us something important about what we care about and need most, inside. But either way, the two are linked.)
Obviously, there’s a lot more to be said on this subject, in posts–and in a book I’m currently writing–to come. But I remain convinced that finding that voice, and then finding a way to bring it into the world, is the single most important task any of us will accomplish in the world. For finding that inner guide is what gives us the ability not only to find passion and the fire to embrace life with a vibrant sense of adventure, but also to find paths, endeavors (and even partners) that bring us meaning, fulfillment, and joy.
The fact that the power of our unique inner voices and selves also gives us the power to change the world … and makes us more appealing to potential partners and mates … well, that’s just icing on the cake.
