A couple of weeks ago, the New York Times ran an opinion piece about the new breed of “Super People” emerging from the ranks of the nation’s young adults. Just as wealth in the country has become more concentrated in the hands of a few at the top, over the past 20 years, so, the piece argued, have all the “good” opportunities and positions.
It’s true that young people today, as a whole, are much more scheduled than their peers of 30 or 40 years ago. College-bound high school kids also routinely take four AP classes, in the hopes of being competitive at the good schools. When I went to high school, we only had one AP option––math, in our senior year. We had honors classes, of course, and maybe the difference isn’t so terribly great. And there were certainly achievement-obsessed kids, and kids whose parents’ wealth, status and connections gave them an unfair advantage in terms of experiences and opportunities, even then.
Fewer kids were jetting off to have application-enhancing experiences doing volunteer work in southeast Asia, of course. But if I were a college admissions director, I’d be far less concerned with what a young person had done than the quality of their thoughts, curiosity, insight and maturity. In part because I’ve been around the block enough times to know that people’s resumes can make almost anyone seem intimidatingly accomplished. But also because I’m not so terribly impressed with all that accomplishment, anyway.
Accomplishment, after all, is a fairly straightforward process. Sign up for an activity, push hard, focus, and move forward. You don’t necessarily have to develop depth, balance, insight or compassion to be accomplished. You don’t even really have to impact other people. Indeed, if you’re really focused on achieving personal goals, or a ton of things to make your resume or application look better, you’re likely to take less time to really give to the people around you. And I don’t mean “give” in the sense of “I volunteered at a food co-op each week (because that looks good) – but “give” in the more everyday, unglamorous ways that make up the real fabric of community. Helping with daily family tasks to keep the ship running more smoothly. Listening to a friend in need. Taking out an elderly neighbor’s garbage. Taking time for that kid who always hangs around, wanting to join the basketball game. Figuring yourself out better so you can be a healthier, happier person in all your interpersonal interactions. Cultivating a curious mind and asking a lot of questions to expand your understanding of other people and the world.
None of that translates particularly well to an college application or resume, of course. So, maybe you don’t go to Harvard. But truth be told, I’m not sure that’s all that bad, either. I know some very impressive people who actually went to Harvard. A couple of them are prominent journalists, one is a dean of a business school, a couple are in government. They’re all working on “important world issues.” On the other hand, the CEO of Proctor & Gamble went to tiny Hamilton College in upstate New York, and Steve Jobs dropped out of college entirely.
Regardless of the path you take, however, I’m not sure it’s such a bad thing if you don’t end up doing anything “important” like that, either. A lot of my highest-achieving friends are, even in mid-life, as overscheduled as their teenagers. Yes, they’re paid well and working on interesting projects. But they don’t have a lot of time for listening to a friend, coaching a kid’s softball team, or just letting their minds rest enough to have a sense or awareness of balance, wonder, enjoyment of the moment … or of the happiness that follows upon those things.
Granted, a lot of cleaning ladies have lives just as overburdened and stressful, without the high-end perks. And some people are only happy when they’re going Mach 3. Coaching their kids’ ball teams would be a burden, not a joy. Everyone is different, and life is rarely easy, no matter what path we choose to travel in it.
It’s just that crafting a life with enough time to explore, sit and notice the changing of the leaves, invest in significant friendships and family relationships, or seek this elusive quality called “balance” often requires that you let go of some of those high achievement goals. And that goes for men as well as women. As a friend of mine who possesses a mind-boggling five post-graduate degrees pointed out to me last year, when I was struggling to get my normal level of work done while balancing step-parenting and a house construction project, “most people who have incredibly high-profile or successful careers don’t have much of a private life, Lane.”
She might or might not get argument on that point, but I can attest, from personal experience, that it’s a whole lot easier to be productive when you rent an apartment and live alone. Your work can be your life. Whether or not all that achievement makes you happy or not … well, that’s another question.
When I first left Corporate America to work for myself, and work on being a writer, I struggled mightily with not being one of the fast-track achievers anymore; with somehow not having achieved my potential, or something like that. I finally taped a sign above my computer, so it would act as a daily mantra to counter all that guilt and fear of failure, that said, simply, “Success is Being Happy.”
That doesn’t mean I don’t work hard anymore. When my head is deep in my writing, I’m sometimes up half the night. And being self-employed, there’s nobody to give me official time off. So my writing projects stay with me pretty much 24/7, even if I’m doing something else. I still struggle with balance, and part of the pressure I live with daily has to do with the fact and necessity of making a living doing this thing that I love.
But the reason I do that work, fundamentally, isn’t to “achieve” something with it, whether that’s becoming a best-selling writer, or a famous writer, or a rich writer, or getting invited to the posh soirees of any “in” set. Not that I’d turn down a million-dollar deal for a book, mind you. But, fundamentally, I do the work because I love exploring ideas and aspects of being human, and I have this idea that the words I put together on those subjects are, at least on my good days, a worthy gift to contribute to the world. Regardless of whether they garner any achievement points or not.
I also decided, all those years ago, that being a happy person was more important to me than being an accomplished one. At points in my life, those two tracks have merged. But at other times, they’ve been in conflict. So knowing which one is my primary priority, if I have to choose, is important.
Loving what you do matters. But you don’t have to be in the “super people” list of Who’s Who to love what you do. You do, however, have to allow yourself to explore, experiment, and take a few risks to discover what vocation, and what lifestyle, might make you happiest. If that makes you fear you might be a failure, or left out of the supposedly closing ranks of the Super Achievers, try pasting a few signs around the house. Like the billboard slogan I saw in LA one time, below a picture of someone kayaking through a river rapid:
“Freedom is the Mark of Success”
(I know plenty of people whose lives are full of freedom, even if they’re not full of money.)
Or simply the one I used to help build my confidence and courage:
“Success is being happy.”
It might surprise you, how big a difference that shift in perspective, and definitions, can make.
It haunts me to think that someday I may regret the choices I’ve made…choices that keep me running like a mouse on a treadmill, while life passed me by and I forgot to live.
I think today – young people are more concerned with “getting the boxes checked” than actually doing things because they want to do them.
Then too the admissions people are looking the the boxes checked.
I think the journey brings more happiness than the destination.
And how true the old saying of “character is what you do when nobody’s looking” is so true…
On Harvard I remember reading a quote from one very successful entrepreneur saying “People think going to Harvard makes you smart. It doesn’t but it does give you connections”.